Fear

The pathfinder

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

- Nelson Mandela

Who were your idols growing up? The president, an astronaut, maybe a superstar athlete? I often imagined my idols, courageous people of the past and present, as possessing some otherworldly talent. Somehow they didn’t feel fear and were just “built different” as the memelords like to say.

For one reason or another, as a kid I had internalized that fear equals bad and bad things should be avoided. Safety was the goal and I was successful at it. My idols may as well have been a different species, they didn’t have fear and I did. It is what it is.

Over time, I realized there is no innate difference between my idols and I, just our relationship to fear. They ran to fear and I ran away from it. In fact, repressing the fear (or any emotion) actually made its power stronger, and ultimately was preventing me from achieving my potential.

I started to ask myself: what if fear, instead of being a shackle, could be reframed as not just something to manage, but a positive guiding force? What if fear could became a tool for self discovery, fulfillment, and love? By noticing, embracing, and understanding fear, I realized it could be that and much more.

Ready? Strap in.

What is fear?

Fear is a biological, emotional response to perceived danger or threat. Over the course of thousands of years, fear evolved as a valuable tool for humans, in fact commonly the difference between life and death. The lion is trying to feed its family. The neighboring tribe is trying to conquer territory. Nature is brutal. But fear kept you alive. Psychologically, fear manifests as anxiety, worry, or apprehension about the future.

However, in today’s modern world, surviving is not the goal. We have (largely) conquered survival as a given in the developed world. Instead, thriving is the goal. We want to become the best versions of ourselves. Today’s fears - the board meeting presentation, the job interview, the talking to a cute stranger - are not life threatening. Unfortunately, our primal fear makes it feel that they are.

Fear as a Compass

So is fear useless? No. In fact, fear is invaluable as a guiding compass. It is a natural and necessary part of life, signaling to us when something important is at stake. Fear can alert us to the choices that really matter in life, prompting us to consider our actions more carefully and make more informed choices.

In past times, what was important was surviving. Today, what is important is thriving, improving ourselves, pushing past our self-imposed limits. The implication is that fear used to be valuable as a signal to run away from it. Today, fear is a beacon for something to run towards(!). In fact, feeling fear and going forward anyway is the ultimate form of self love - the reward is discovery of who you are and what you truly are capable of. Everything meaningful in life is on the other side of that fear.

Turning threat into companion

I had always understood fear as a negative emotion to avoid and thus repressed it. My repressed fears didn’t go away, just subconsciously dictated my life’s decisions. Reframing fear from a negative emotion to a healthy companion takes time, but is worth the effort. Below is how to manage fear, followed by specific tactics to train this muscle in the next section.

1. Notice

   1. The first step in transforming fear is to notice it and make the subconscious, conscious

      1. Noticing fear allows us to confront it and remove its power, rather than letting it subconsciously run our lives

      2. This is something that is really hard to do for people who have repressed fear for years or decades (me!)

      3. To start, try to notice when you were fearful in your nightly journal (see below). Over time, you can make the feedback loop shorter and shorter until you are noticing fear before you act (and can then modify your action)

2. Feel

   1. Visualize the fear and sit with it until you are observing unemotionally. Where do you feel fear in your body?

3. Understand

   1. Understand what it is that triggers our fear. This can range from something obvious to something deeply personal and subconscious (eg. childhood experiences). Understanding the root cause helps demystify and oust fear of its stranglehold on us

4. Walk towards it anyway

   1. Now that you can see fear clearly, it is time to take a leap of faith. Know that to see the light, you have to take a leap of faith into the darkness. This is obviously easier said than done

   2. Once you show your brain that you can jump into the darkness, and come out on the other side, it becomes easier with every iteration

Quick start guide

I have tried a lot of different things to change my relationship with fear to be more healthy. Below is what works for me, although I recommend you experiment until you find what works for you.

1. [Daily] Journaling

   1. Morning

      1. Write 1-3 bullets answering: What am I fearful of today?

      2. Do those things today

   2. Night

      1. Reflect on the fears you wanted to overcome today

      2. Notice and reflect on unanticipated fears

         1. Did you notice them in the moment?

         2. How did you react?

      3. Understand what triggered that fear

         1. A helpful exercise is to ask “Why?” until you get down to a root fear

2. [Daily] Meditation

   1. Meditate to help feel the emotion

      1. You will be able to notice and just sit with fear

      2. If you have trouble keeping with the habit, start with literally 1 minute a day. Momentum is a powerful drug

3. [Quarterly] Fear-setting

   1. Rather than drafting goals, draft the things you are scared of doing

   2. In practice, I have found that this exercise forces self-honesty in a way that traditional goal setting does not

   3. If you aren’t scared of your goals, then your journey will never be fulfilling anyways (even if you achieve your goals). It’s the hero’s journey that is fulfilling¹

4. [Continuously] Be compassionate with yourself

   1. None of this is easy. You will fail many times. It is important to be compassionate with yourself and view your step back as a learning, rather than a failure

   2. Give yourself a hug when things go wrong. Beating yourself up will only make things harder

   3. Celebrate the small wins. The fact that you are standing up to your fears is progress itself. It takes immense courage to do so

Moving forward

Fear doesn’t have to hold us back, but rather can serve as a useful companion and guiding light in our lives. And you can start today: notice fear; feel fear; understand fear; then push through fear.

Over the history of humankind, fear has saved countless lives from the literal jaws of death. But there are no lions hunting us anymore. The challenge of our lives is the battle with our own minds. Can you overcome your self-imposed limitations? Can you use fear to your advantage? Fear is a powerful emotion. Don’t let it go to waste.

This post was partially inspired by Tim Ferriss’s fear-setting blog²

1. The hero’s journey

2. Tim Ferriss’s fear-setting blog